I found that the source of my rage is centered in the driver's seat of my car. I'm definitely not tooting my own horn as the World's Best Driver by any means, but I am at least competent. I've said it a million times, there should be a law that when I'm on the road and I need to get somewhere, everybody in my path should pull off to the side of the road as if I were an ambulance or a funeral procession. It seems as if when I'm behind the wheel, somebody in the wrong color car could piss me off on any given day. All I want to do is get from point A to point B on time and everybody on that road is out to make me late. I hate the highway. I hate residential roads even more. Parking lots make me want to punt a baby and parking structures... oh I'm definitely punting a baby. Maybe even twins.
Now, as I said earlier, I don't think I'm the best driver on the road. I don't think I'm the worst either. I was terrible when I was first set free on the road for all of the public to fear. I wasn't careless, I was just too careful. I was terrified. When I started driving some seven years ago, instead of thinking that the goal of everybody on the road was to make me late, I was positive that everybody on the road was playing a horrible game of cat and mouse and I was the mouse that they were trying to kill. The guy behind me was sure to ram my bumper when I stopped at the red light. The trucker was surely not paying attention at the intersection and was more likely than not about to t-bone my little red car and send my brains splattering about on the pavement. That lady on the highway? Fuck the highway! I was too scared to even go near it unless I was a passenger until I was nearly 21. But when I did venture out on it, I was pretty sure that the people changing lanes were going to neglect to signal OR look to see how close they were before passing me since I was terrified to drive over 60 and they were going to clip my front end and send me spinning into the guardrail only to explode into a ball of flames fueled by gasoline and sheer terror. After a few times of driving with me when we were dating, my husband even said 'There's defensive driving... and then there's what you do'. I was SCARED. But eventually I grew more comfortable on the road and started driving like a normal human being. Once I started driving like the rest of society, I was able to notice the things people were actually doing since I was able to accept that they weren't actually trying to kill me. They were just morons.
There are a few things that will send me into my little Moments of RageTM on the road. Depending on the day, there could be nothing. Other days, it will be everybody everywhere. I'm driving on the highway in Ohio and somebody pulling out of their driveway in Minnesota is pissing me off. I've tried to take preventative measures to avoid this rage. I've stopped listening to anything remotely angry in the car, replacing it with upbeat songs, happy songs and awesome singalong songs. It works... slightly. But then it never fails that I'm belting out the chorus of an awesome song, only to cut myself off to yell 'WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE!?'. The following things are things to avoid doing on the road and you will avoid my piercing RageGlare as I pass your vehicle.
1. Being on your phone. I'm a product of the technology generation. Hell, instead of writing down these thoughts in a notebook, I'm publishing them online. I understand that technology is cool. I love my Droid and I love my laptop and I love my Ipod. They're awesome. But you know what else is awesome? Being alive so I can use them. The other day I was driving to school and the car in front of me was driving rather erratically. They'd go a little above the speed limit... then coast down and I'd be up their ass suddenly when I hadn't sped up. They'd swerve just a liiiiiittle to the left and then straighten back up... swerve just enough to the right to hit the rumble strip and wake their ass up to pay attention. Naturally, I want to get the hell away from this idiot before I end up in their back seat because they can't seem to keep a steady pace or pick a damn lane. As I'm preparing to pass, I think 'Wow, this guy is drunk and I need to get away from them asap'. But then I realize that it's 1:30 in the afternoon and there's no way that somebody is driving drunk at this time of day. I get to the point in the passing that I deliver the RageGlare, which is really just a quick disapproving glance and I see their HEAD DOWN and their eyes firmly attached to their phone. What the hell?! I don't care if you're texting or if you're beating the next level of Angry Birds, if you're driving... put the damn thing away! No text can be that important. Unless that text is 'Hey dude, mom just died' and then maybe... MAYBE I'd understand. No, wait. No I do not understand because you wouldn't know what the text would say if you weren't READING YOUR TEXTS BEHIND THE WHEEL ON THE GODDAMNED HIGHWAY. Most of the texts people are reading behind the wheel probably aren't that important anyway. It's probably more along the lines of what kind of smoothie McDonald's just released or how awesome polo shirts are or something stupid like that.
Now, a lot of people try to say that talking on the phone, either with a hands-free device or the old fashioned way is better because you're looking at the road. I beg to differ. I can't even begin to list all of the dipshits that I've been stuck behind because they're paying more attention to their in depth conversation about the complexities of Usher's U Got It Bad video than they are the line of traffic forming behind their 45 in a 65 zone asses. Even worse is falling victim to this guy:
"No way, Todd! The McRib is back? Dude I remember this time that I ate a McRib and OH SHIT THERE'S MY EXIT HOLD ON A SEC!"
At that very moment, Todd is being tossed on the passenger seat and suddenly there's a 97 Chevy Cavalier flying over to catch the exit that they didn't pay attention to. Of course, I was paying attention but that means nothing because they're about to cut in line and unlike at the bank, cutting in this line could kill 12 people and end up on the evening news.
2. Forgetting how to drive when the forecast is anything other than sunny. Now there are some exceptions to this rule. If you're driving and a freak snowstorm hits (happened to me... almost died. Good times), it's fine to be scared! It's fine to be cautious! That's not something you were ready for. If you're on the road and a hurricane hits? That's some scary shit. Be careful! Tornado touches down and the sky opens up and God himself is throwing flaming balls of debris at you? Personally, I'd pull over and find some shelter, but that's also a good time to get scared. I live in Ohio. We have 2 seasons here. Rain and Snow with about 2 weeks of ridiculous heat in between. There's an interesting phenomenon in this state that I've noticed as I've become a more adventurous driver. I've seen people tear through the streets that are a foot deep with sleet and snow like it was the middle of July. No fear, no regard for those who don't have four-wheel drive or are being a little more cautious of the ridiculous conditions outside. It's like it's Ice Road Truckers out here or something. But the worst day to be out on the roads in Ohio is the day the first snowflakes fall. Just a light sprinkle of snow that would be sprinkling rain if it were 2 degrees warmer. Not enough to cover the ground at all, but enough to stick to your windshield and make you aware that this is all you're going to see for the next four months so get used to it, dammit.
But the first day of snow in Ohio is one of the most terrifying days to be on the road. People lose. their. minds. Nobody wants to even drive at speeds even remotely relative to the speed limit. Brakes are being spiked when they don't need to be spiked. People start imagining patches of black ice and seemingly force themselves to skid into guardrails. Police are out dealing with the jackasses who forgot what state we're in. The news is no help at all, reporting on random accidents that stupid people manage to get themselves into after working up such an unnecessary panic. But the news doesn't say that the accident was caused by stupid people being stupid. Oh no, they launch right into their fear campaign about the
3. Being in my GODDAMNED WAY. This is probably the greatest offense to me (and other drivers) when I need to get somewhere. It never fails that I leave with a fifteen minute or greater window to get somewhere and I'm still running in with thirty seconds to spare because some jackass on the road was more concerned with their finger in their nose to drive like a person. I have nearly burst into flames being stuck behind somebody driving about ten miles below the speed limit because they were just on a leisurely drive in the middle of the day when I'm trying to get to class on time. And it's never on my way to lecture or something. I swear these people have my schedule and know when I have a midterm or a paper due that day and all come out on the road to cruise around at 45mph and get both in front of and beside me so I can't do anything about it. I just do not understand it. Why are you driving so slowly? I don't want to do 90, hell I don't even want to do 75. Reaching the 65mph speed limit is an achievement when stuck behind these people. It's ridiculous. Why is this fifteen minute drive taking me a half hour?! The amount of dilly-dallying and farting around that I see every day is staggering. I don't only encounter this on the highway but on residential roads as well. I've passed people that are just looking around, completely zoned out and sitting at green lights. It scares me, honestly. If you need a nap, your bed is the best place for that, not behind the wheel of a car!
Some of my honorable mentions include not being aware that your car does not make you invisible. It has nothing to do with anybody's real driving abilities but just be aware that people can SEE you when you're picking your nose in your rearview mirror. I can see you knuckle deep fishing for boogers. I can see you slowly pull them out and I can see you examine them like the frozen cave man. That's nasty. I have yet to see somebody eat one but when I do, I will not hesitate to honk my horn and scare you for being gross.
This sounds terribly harsh, I know. I can't help the things that bother me. I never do things to provoke other drivers like tailgating or dangerous things like trying to run people off the road (which has happened to me on two separate occasions for either doing the speed limit or reducing my speed for traffic in a construction area). I'm a very happy person but for some reason, being in the car just sends me into a frenzy. I don't drive unless I need to get someplace. I just want to get there in one piece.
